I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
