This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
