I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
