i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
