I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
