I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think your dad took our porno
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
