I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
