Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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