i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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