his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
