it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
