i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
