based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
