we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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