i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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