I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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