He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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