Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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