A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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