i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
