Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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