your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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