So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
