Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
