I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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