Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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