Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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