so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
