not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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