When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
