I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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