I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
