She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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