I accidentally had phone sex last night
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
