He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
