There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
