i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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