...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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