her vagine was all disorganized.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
