Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize