It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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