mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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