I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
