i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
