omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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