This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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