I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
