Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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