if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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