As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
