wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
