you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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