Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
