I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
