Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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