Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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