I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Drunk is not a location!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
