Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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