Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
