The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im holly from the hills drunk
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
